Relationships can be a roller coaster ride, full of love, joy, heartache, and, let’s be honest, sometimes crazy confusing. Why do we react the way we do when our partner needs space or reassurance? Most of the time, the answer is in our attachment styles. Understanding these styles can help us better navigate marriage and improve emotional connections. Let’s explore the different attachment styles in relationships and how they affect marriages. You will also get front-row seats to our personal experience with the dynamics of avoidant and anxious emotional bonds. 

To understand why our relationships play out the way they do, let’s start with the basics: attachment styles. These early patterns shape how we connect with our partners. Are you ready? Here we go!

What are Attachment Styles in Relationships?

Attachment therapy comes from research by John Bowlby, who believed that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we bond with others throughout life. (1) Psychologist Mary Ainsworth later expanded on his work and identified four primary attachment bonds: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. (1)

Secure Attachment

• Characteristics: Securely attached people feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and trust others. They tend to be stable, open communicators who value both independence and closeness.
• Example: Imagine someone whose partner needs reassurance during a challenging time. A securely attached person listens, provides support, and doesn’t feel threatened by their partner’s temporary need for comfort.
• Why it works: Because securely attached individuals had dependable, responsive caregivers, they feel confident in their ability to navigate conflicts and express their feelings openly, fostering a stable and healthy connection.

Avoidant Attachment

• Characteristics: Avoidant individuals value independence and often feel uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness. They may struggle to open up, preferring to create emotional distance when things feel overwhelming.
• Example: Someone with an avoidant attachment style might avoid deep conversations or distance themselves if a conflict arises, feeling that it’s easier to keep their emotions in check by retreating rather than engaging.
• Why it happens: Avoidant attachment often stems from having caregivers who were dismissive of emotional needs. These individuals learned to rely on themselves, viewing vulnerability as a potential risk to their autonomy.

Anxious Attachment

• Characteristics: Those with anxious attachment crave closeness but fear abandonment. They often overthink their partner’s actions, seeking frequent validation and reassurance to feel secure.
• Example: In a marriage, someone with an anxious attachment style might worry excessively if their partner is busy and unable to respond to a text, fearing something is wrong or their partner is pulling away.
• Why it happens: This attachment style often develops from inconsistent caregiving, where affection and attention were unpredictable. As a result, anxious individuals become hyper-attuned to signs of distance, constantly seeking comfort to soothe their worries.

Disorganized Attachment

• Characteristics: Disorganized attachment combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. People with this style crave closeness but fear intimacy, often feeling trapped in an emotional tug-of-war.
• Example: A person with a disorganized attachment may deeply desire a partner’s affection but push them away once things get too emotionally intense, feeling torn between conflicting needs for safety and intimacy.
• Why it happens: This style can develop in response to trauma, abuse, or having caregivers who were unpredictable or even frightening. These individuals may struggle with trust and experience relationships as confusing or overwhelming.

Now that we’ve covered what attachment styles are, let’s jump into how they affect marriage and the ways couples bond emotionally.

Attachment Styles in Marriage

So, how do these attachment styles affect marriage? As someone with an avoidant attachment style, I naturally gravitate toward emotional independence. Kasey, on the other hand, has anxious attachment, which means she seeks closeness and reassurance, especially when she feels insecure.

Here’s an example: During a “spirited conversation,” I may begin to feel overwhelmed with emotions and shut down or withdraw to protect and create space for my emotional independence. When I begin to withdraw, Kasey feels very anxious about the emotional distress and distance and can begin to look for reassurance and validation. This is a classic avoidant and anxious attachment in couples’ tug-of-war.

Knowing this has allowed us to understand ourselves and each other more. It enables each of us to address our individual needs helping us to be present for each other. 

For those who, like me, lean toward independence, avoidant attachment brings a unique set of challenges in marriage. Let’s see what that looks like in day-to-day life and how to make positive changes.

Avoidant Attachment Style in Marriage

For those with an avoidant attachment style in marriage, emotional closeness can feel overwhelming, even though you genuinely love your partner. You might pull away or avoid difficult conversations to maintain your sense of safety and independence. It doesn’t mean you don’t care—it’s just how you cope with emotional intimacy. This is what life experience has taught you. It’s your way of survival.

The key to managing these avoidant tendencies is recognizing that intimacy isn’t a trap. Start small by allowing yourself to open up a bit more in safe, low-stakes situations. Baby steps are progress. Share a story from your day or ask your partner how they feel. It’s all about building trust gradually.

Personally, I’ve had to work on this through LOTS of therapy. Throughout most of our marriage, I’d escape into my own world when things felt emotionally heavy or intense. This only made Kasey more anxious. I can shut down for days to protect myself. By understanding my attachment avoidance style, I’ve learned to step toward emotional intimacy instead of away from it. To sit in the hard, difficult situations.

If you’re wondering how to bridge the gap as an avoidant attachment style, here are some steps I’ve found helpful in building a closer connection with my partner.

Simple and Practical Steps for Avoidants to move Towards your Partner

• Acknowledge Your Need for Space, But Explain It.

It’s okay to need space, but communicate that need clearly. Instead of withdrawing silently, say something like, “I need some space, but I’m not pulling away from you.” This helps your partner understand your actions and prevents misunderstandings.

• Take Small Steps Toward Vulnerability

Opening up doesn’t mean diving into deep emotions all at once. Start small by sharing a little about your day or expressing a mild feeling you have identified. Over time, these small moments of vulnerability build trust and comfort with emotional intimacy.

• Challenge Your Impulse to Withdraw

When emotional situations get intense (trust me, they will), your natural reaction might be to pull back. Instead, try to sit with the discomfort for a little longer. Gradually, you’ll become more comfortable in these moments, and your relationship will benefit from a deeper emotional connection.

• See Emotional Intimacy as Strength

Avoidants often view emotional closeness as a threat to independence. Change how you see vulnerability and intimacy. See them as a strength, not a weakness. Allowing someone in doesn’t diminish your autonomy but deepens the relationship.

• Learn to Lean Into Difficult Conversations

Avoiding difficult or emotional conversations may feel easier because we have avoided them our entire lives. However, avoidance creates distance. Practice staying engaged in these conversations—especially if they’re uncomfortable! Remember, these are opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

On the flip side, those with an anxious attachment style bring their own strengths and struggles to relationships. Here’s what it means for a marriage when one partner seeks more emotional closeness from the attachment style.

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

On the flip side, those with an attachment anxiety style in relationships crave closeness and often fear that their partner might leave or stop loving them. They’re hyper-attuned to any signs of emotional distance and may ask for constant reassurance.

In my marriage, my wife’s anxious tendencies sometimes made her worry that my need for space or quiet meant something was wrong or I didn’t love her. During an argument, she would become hyper-fixated on explaining why and how I should meet her needs. 

By understanding her attachment, she’s learned to communicate her needs without overwhelming me, and I’ve learned to offer reassurance more frequently to ease her mind. We are a work in progress, so sometimes we are better than others. The train sometimes derails, but we have come so far in the past several years.

For those with anxious tendencies, a few small adjustments can make a big difference in feeling secure while allowing your partner space. Here’s how you can ease anxiety in the relationship.

How Anxious Attachments can move Towards your Partner

• Practice Self-Soothing Techniques

When those anxious or insecure feelings creep up, take a minute to calm yourself before looking to your partner for reassurance. Deep breathing, meditation, or journaling can help you regulate your emotions and prevent overreacting to perceived distance.

• Clearly Communicate Your Needs

Anxiety will have you seeking constant reassurance. Try sharing your feelings calmly and clearly. Say something like, “I’m feeling insecure right now, and I need a little reassurance.” This gives your partner a chance to understand your needs without feeling totally overwhelmed by your anxiety.

• Focus on Building Trust Gradually

Work on trusting your partner by giving them the benefit of the doubt. When they need some space, remind yourself of their commitment to you. Trust is built over time. Take small steps toward trust by focusing on their positive actions.

• Give Your Partner Healthy Space

Your instincts scream to get closer when you feel anxious, but it’s important to respect your partner’s need for space. Challenge yourself to step back when they need alone time. Emotional intimacy grows when both partners feel seen, heard, respected, and comfortable.

• Create Emotional Balance

Your partner cannot meet every need you have. Invest in your hobbies, interests, and friendships. Developing emotional balance allows you to feel more secure within yourself. This will help you approach emotional intimacy from a place of strength rather than neediness.

Regardless of where you and your partner fall on the attachment spectrum, the good news is that attachment styles can evolve over time. Here are some practical ways to nurture a healthier, more secure bond in your marriage.

How to Improve Attachment Styles in Marriage

It’s important to know that attachment styles influence your relationship and communication, but they’re not set in stone forever. You can work toward a more secure attachment style through self-awareness, communication, and intentional growth. Here’s how we’ve worked on improving attachment styles in marriage:

1. Recognize Your Patterns: The first step is identifying your attachment style and how it plays out in your marriage. Once I realized that my avoidant tendencies made my wife feel rejected, it was like a lightbulb moment. Similarly, my wife realized her need for reassurance sometimes overwhelmed me. It doesn’t mean we get this right all the time, though. We are constantly working on our personal growth.
2. Communicate Your Needs: Open, vulnerable, and honest communication has been really important for us. Expressing and hearing your spouse’s needs is a big step to improving how your relational bonds mesh.
3. Challenge Your Reactions: If you’re avoidant, like me, try stepping into moments of intimacy instead of pulling back. If you’re anxious, practice self-soothing techniques and resist the urge to seek constant validation. Sit in the tension. This will stretch you but is a necessity for growth.
4. Seek Therapy: If attachment issues are deeply ingrained, individual and couples therapy can be valuable. We firmly believe in therapy for everyone! A therapist familiar with relationship attachment theory can help you and your partner navigate your emotions more effectively.

Ultimately, understanding and addressing attachment styles is a powerful way to deepen your relationship. Here’s how we’ve seen it strengthen our marriage and how it can work for you too

Conclusion: Building a Stronger Emotional Connection

Attachment styles in marriage don’t have to be stumbling blocks. They’re an opportunity to better understand yourself and your partner. It’s a way of pulling back the curtains to see what is truly happening inside you and your spouse. With this understanding comes growth, which is what we are all trying to do. By recognizing our differences, learning how to meet each other’s emotional needs, and improving our communication, my wife and I have flipped this part of our relationship upside down in the best way possible.

So, whether you’re avoidant like me, anxious like Kasey, or somewhere in between, remember that attachment styles are just one piece of the puzzle. With patience, self-awareness, and a little humor, you can build a marriage that thrives on emotional connection rather than conflict.

Remember, it’s not about changing who you are but learning to love yourself and each other better.

1. What is Attachment Theory? Bowlby’s 4 Stages Explained, Ackerman, 4/2018, PostivePsychology.com, https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/